Stating that social manners and etiquette are regressing would be stating the obvious. While I blame social media for being the main culprit in shaping today’s society (read: culture), where individualism is promoted over community, other contributing factors to our disharmonization include a lack of education on politeness, COVID isolation having hampered social skills development in youth, exposure to rudeness and falsehoods from politicians and ‘influencers,’ poor parenting, immigration from parts of the world focused on survival, and a widespread sense of entitlement.
The list of complaints about the decline in manners and etiquette is extensive, some being:
- ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ no longer being said.
- People using their smartphones on speaker in public, as if they’re eating a cookie. (loud conversations in public places)
- Bringing dogs into grocery stores.
- Not returning shopping carts, thereby creating obstacles throughout the parking lot.
- Interrupting.
- Texting or scrolling through social media while you’re with others.
Then there’s the most upsetting form of social regression, particularly among job seekers: being ghosted.
Ghosting, as you’re likely aware, is becoming increasingly common, especially among Millennials and Gen Z, where a person stops communicating without explanation, often to avoid discomfort and conflict. Today, many see ghosting as a clear and acceptable way to communicate, the message being: « Leave me alone. I’m no longer interested in the relationship or continuing interactions with you. » Silence, when used intentionally, speaks volumes.
Once seen as cowardly—akin to avoiding eye contact—ghosting has become a comfort zone for many younger people. Thanks to technology allowing them to avoid the many nuances that come with face-to-face interactions, which in many, especially those with low self-esteem, creates anxiety, younger generations are opting for the safety of their screens to sidestep anxiety-inducing situations.
Technology has distorted people’s moral sense, promoting a ‘me, myself and I’ attitude that prioritizes their own comfort and needs over others’, such as providing closure. Instead of working to develop social skills, build confidence, overcome anxiety, or address feelings of fear and uneasiness, the expectation now is ‘the world must accommodate my issues.’ One reason ghosting is appealing is that the ghoster gets to avoid and bypass their issues, shifting the responsibility onto the other person.
In the early 2000s, the Internet and social media, which offer content designed to manipulate emotions by emphasizing our differences, began hijacking our attention. This shift has reshaped social etiquette. What were once noble and defensible goals—brotherhood, contributing to one’s community, civic responsibility, good manners, and sensitivity (read: civility)—have morphed into moral imperatives. Instead of being urged into membership in the Harmonious Society, we’re coerced into joining the Party of Social Awareness. Instead of seeking common ground, we’re told to focus on past injuries. Instead of blending ethnicity fairly into a melting pot, we’ve permitted multiculturalism to boil over into raging value conflicts. I often find myself in public, witnessing all the social friction, thinking, « Wow… this isn’t the world I used to know. »
Today, expressing yourself, especially passionately, requires walking on eggshells if you don’t want to set off someone’s sensibilities. We’ve become a shining example of our ever-changing, emotionally unpredictable temperaments, which is why we now live in an Age of Offence.
A common message promoted by many self-proclaimed influencers, who younger generations tend to take seriously, is to encourage setting boundaries, the removal of toxic people from one’s life and those who no longer serve one’s interests. This constant focus on boundaries, often perceived as inflexible rules rather than healthy fences, has led to a preoccupation with personal growth at the expense of family, friends, colleagues, fellow citizens, and social connections.
Regardless of your boundaries, values, beliefs, and especially how you like to be treated, the reality is that you can’t control other people’s behaviour. This lack of control over others’ actions highlights the importance of acceptance and adaptability in our social interactions. Even if civility were the sole societal objective, it would still have to pass constitutional scrutiny. Manners, empathy, and professionalism, after all, cannot be legislated—at least not in Canada or the US—where the native concept of civil liberties protects the right to have bad manners, be offensive, be rude, and to protect one’s boundaries.
Two fundamentals negate your influence over whether someone ghosts you:
- You can’t control other people’s behaviour. (Our society is rife with anger because many try to exert control over others.)
- You have no constitutional right to be contacted by anyone at any time.
Ghosting is an easy out. Having built our lives around digital communication (texts, DMs, emails, social media posts), we’ve created the convenience of being able to move from total accessibility to total inaccessibility in an instant, with no legal or social consequences, while our entitlement mentality ignores that we’re triggering a person’s most vulnerable desire: to belong and be loved.
Circling back to how ghosting is « the most outrage-provoking social regression, especially amongst job seekers, » I fail to understand the reasoning behind all the sanctimonious outrage I see and hear from job seekers about being ghosted by employers. As younger generations enter the workforce, why would anyone assume, especially with the hyper-rise in technology and its adoption, that the intricacies of communication and the definition of « professionalism, » which have always been subjective, would remain the same as those of previous generations’ values, beliefs, and standards?
Is ghosting lazy and, to a degree, cruel? Absolutely! I also believe that equating ghosting with « mistreatment of people, » as those outraged about ghosting sometimes do to weaponize it, is a stretch, especially when considering the atrocities currently happening around the world. Can I change other people’s behaviour? Their values? Their beliefs? No. « No » is a reminder to heed the Serenity Prayer’s advice for peace of mind: « God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. »
While I firmly believe that, regardless of the nature of the relationship, whether romantic, job seeker-employer, friendship, family, or with yourself—think about the person you said you wanted to become and ghosted because achieving what you desired was harder than your level of ambition could handle—communication is paramount. I accept that how we communicate is constantly evolving due to technology, shifting social norms and an ever-growing sense of ‘me first.’
My take on the underlying reason people ghost is not so much to avoid a confrontation as it is to exercise control by removing opportunities for the other person to influence their decision to cease whatever relationship there was. They know that a conclusive conversation, intended to end a romantic relationship or friendship or inform a job candidate that they weren’t chosen, may not go as planned and may result in unsubstantiated accusations. In the case of telling a job candidate they weren’t selected, they may ask for feedback, which in our litigious society is fraught with potential legal implications. Who needs the drama, allegations, and possible legal repercussions? Ghosters view ghosting as a shield against accusations, requests for feedback, and potential legal ramifications.
« But Nick, ghosting harms a person’s or employer’s reputation! »
Does it? Name one company whose reputation is negatively affected because those who oversee their hiring process often ghost candidates. Can anyone quantify the negative financial impact ghosting has on a company’s bottom line? Do you know anyone who has a bad reputation because they ghost?
In a world obsessed with convenience and disposability, regardless of the damage it causes to our planet, it’s no wonder this ‘me, myself, and I’ mindset extends to relationships that have exhausted their purpose. Ultimately, you must accept that ghosting reflects our societal decline, under the guise of being more progressive and is an easy way, with minimal, if any, repercussions, to communicate « I’m done with you. »
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Nick Kossovan, a self-described connoisseur of human psychology, writes about what’s
on his mind from Toronto. You can follow Nick on Twitter and Instagram @NKossovan.